create. learn. utilize.

my heart is in such a dither after today.  So much is going on around me.  Nanny job

Amsterdam

Friends

Spencer

Family

Freedom Fest

Poverty

Collapsing Economy

Electing a President

Shoreline Community Church

Eastlake Community Church

Marriage

Happiness and Holiness

Two year olds

Covenant

Hard

Love

Devotion

Spencer

Homecoming

Stephanie

Old Spaghetti Factory

Elise

Grandparents

Messy Room

Money

Car

Bills

Broken Camera

Painting

Dance

Drawing

Writing

Creating

God's inner workings of my heart

Bible

Prayer

Small Groups

Hurting People

Homeless People

Travel

Backpacking

Foreign Countries I long to see

Writing a Book

Reading a Book

Cooking Cookies

Baking Bread

Heather off to College

Everyone off to College

Lauren

People coming here for college

Sigur Ros

Evan Morrison

Music

..............

This list could go on.

I have so many things, in a day, that run through my mind.  Tonight Josh talked about taking time to slow down, feel our limits.  I NEVER feel my limit, I always feel that I am not doing enough.  Right now I could think of just a few things I could do instead of writing this blog, alas I am forcing myself to do it.  I need to get my thoughts out, arrange, adjust, and soak in.  I have so much that I want to say, I WANT TO BE HEARD.  I want to write my life away and never take a second look back.  I have such passion and fire burning in me, seething out of my heart and fingertips.  I need to go and proclaim the amazing things that God is doing in me at this very moment.  He is teaching me, molding my soft, clay heart.  I am so ready to be everything and more then what I want, need, am called to be.  I cannot wait for God to throw me out there...all along, he is holding my hand.  I feel like hercules with him at my side.

I cannot wait for the rest of my life.

my YWAM application

For Amsterdam I need to fill out certain questions to apply.  So here they are:

1. Statement of my conversion and Events leading up to that time.  And spiritual growth since that time.

I grew up in a Christian family.  When I was 4 I was watching TBN, and the reenactment of Jesus death on the cross.  I was very young and I had no idea why a solitary man would die on the cross for everyone in the world, was that possible?  I asked my mom and she explained the story of Jesus dying on the cross and how he is the son of God.  I began to understand, so my first step was to ask Jesus into my heart.  Only the beginning of the journey.  I always had my family to back me up but I did not solely rely on my parents faith to be my own.  I truly started making it my own when I was 12 and I went on a mission trip with my parents who were youth leaders a few years.  We stayed at the YWAM vancouver base and worked with homeless.  I really felt God tugging on my heart and speaking to me.  He wanted me to live my life in this way.  From then on I was constantly growing and experiencing the same tug and voice in my heart.  I went to Thailand for the first time in 2007 and then again in 2008.  While being there I have acquired a love that is so deep and strong to spread his word, and for his lost children.  I will never be the same.  He only kept making the passion for his people in my heart burn brighter and brighter.

      However through all this has been a very hard process.  Like Joseph I have always faced hard and confusing times but I know and am starting to grasp the beautiful process to become the person he wants me to be.  A lot of that involves complete surrender, something I learn more about every day.  I also had a lot of difficulty when everyone was applying to colleges I felt that God had something else, just dedicating my life to his work.  It was hard realizing that security was being stripped away from me.  I still struggle but I know God will always provide.  He is always revealing himself to me in this way.  Just recently, this past year, God has shown me what it means to give up EVERYTHING and solely follow, trust, and love him. 

      My present relationship with God is always changing, growing.  I always have to keep my heart open.  I am well adjusting to the way God likes to take my plans and make them his own, no matter how confusing to me it may be.  I feel that Jesus has become my best friend.  I truly tell him everything and am completely open and raw before him.  He will never ever leave my side, and even when I turn my back on him and try to do things on my own he is always there, guiding and placing blessings into my life.  I am so thankful for him, and what he suffered to save us.  I would be nothing without my savior.  He is the very core of my DNA, my being, my soul.

2. My Devotional life

My devotional life has been a constant struggle.  All my growing up years it was hard for me to understand the Bible and I only read it because I was "supposed" to.  I struggled with the concept of daily devotions.  Everyone had their checklist of how many books of the bible they had to read, or how many days to read.  I soon started comparing myself to that and when I would miss a day I would feel frustrated until it was soon a chore.  My family did a nightly devotion and prayer time.  This helped me to soon develop my own love and understanding of the Bible.  Now I have a hunger for the bible every day.  I pray constantly.  When I am doing devotions, amidst the hubbub of work and school, when I am with my friends.  Every decision I make I consult God about.  He is my best friend and confidant.  I have learned the voice of God so well over these past few years.  I have grown so much in worship too.  Not only in singing praises to him but learning to live a lifestyle of worship to God.  Showing his love to others and being a constant light in every situation of life.  

3. Relationship with Church

My whole life growing up I attended Evergreen Community Church.  I was always very actively involved.  We had a campaign for building a new church building.  I was about 12 at the time.  My 3 best friends and I put on a children's day camp for 3 years in a row to raise money for the new church.  We ended up producing over $2,000.  Also I was always a part of the children's ministry, teaching sunday school, and helping with VBS.  Once a part of the youth group I always got involved as well.  I was a small group leader and I went on a mission trip with my youth group my senior year.  However, within this past year I have felt God calling me to another church.  My family moved churches but I felt the church they decided on was not my "home" church.  I started attending Shoreline Community Church and did an internship with them over the summer.  That involved revamping the visual arts of the church.  Signs, artwork, painting, decoration, announcements, and bulletins.  I also created a strong bond with many people at the church, making it truly feel like my home.  They have a huge heart for missions and I know that in my future, as God leads, they will be a big support in prayer and blessing.  

I also have been involved with a music and arts festival for 6 years.  My parents started directing it in 2002 and even with ever growing debt we cannot stop.  It is so amazing how God can use a huge festival with thousands of people and touch so many lives.  The past two years I have directed the worship stage at the festival.  We created a place for people to be free in their expression of worship.  I have had so much fun putting it together and letting God utilize it.

4. My relationship with my family

My family is such a blessing in my life.  I have two wonderful parents who have devoted their time and lives to loving others to Christ.  They are a huge reason why I have a passion for missions.  For the past six years they have been in charge of a large music festival called Freedom Fest.  They do not only bring good music but speakers with purpose on social injustice and the message of Jesus Christ.  So much effort and heart has been poured into it and they constantly are relying on God for provision, and he never fails.  

    I also have a younger sister Raquel (15) and a brother Luke (12).  They are the coolest siblings, there is no one like them.  Even though I am the oldest I am still constantly learning from them and their maturity.  We all have unique personalities which blend into a perfect fit.  We may have our downfalls and tough times but we always get through, stronger then ever.  We are seriously the triple threat behind our parents.  I am so thankful for them and my parents, and constantly reminding me of how amazing God is.

They all are very excited for my venture into YWAM.  They are all sad to see my go but are my biggest supporters.  I shall miss them more then anything.

5. Circumstances which led me to apply for their school, why Amsterdam?

My venture to your Base has been truly a God thing and so amazing.  I have had a desire to do a DTS even before senior year in High school.  When everyone else was applying to college I was researching base after base and praying so hard for God to point me in the right direction.  There were so many to choose from.  I finally felt a little tug towards the Derbyshire, England base.  However things did not work out in the application process due to some delays I had, through that I started to have people tell me they thought Derby was the wrong place.  I was confused but started more research and a lot of prayer until I discovered that Kona, Hawaii was offering a Performing arts DTS.  I have a love for dance so this was a perfect fit.  I felt so blessed God pulled me away to look at others.  I applied and then they told me it had been cancelled, due to the lack of interest.  I was even more confused!  Where was I supposed to go now?  I was back to base one.  I started right away, researching bases I had not looked into before and I found yours.  In the beginning I had not found any Holland bases, which was where I had longed to go.  My family is all from The Netherlands and I have been there once, and fell completely in love with it.  I had a chance to meet a pastor while I was there and my heart broke for the church of Holland.  I have always felt called to my families home country.  So when I found your base I was thrilled.  Everything fell into place.  My forms were all easily filled out and your ministry seems like just the place for me.  I am so excited about what God is going to do in me and with YWAM amsterdam.  

6. Reasons for attending the school.

I have been to Thailand twice in the past 2 years and my heart has broken for the women involved in prostitution there, as well as children.  I plan to work with the people of Thailand as well as other organizations involved with human rights, and social injustice.  When I read about your base and the work you do in the Red Light district I was so excited about what God could teach me and use me in.  I have so much more to learn and I feel that God will utilize the Amsterdam base to give me a vision for the rest of my life.  And to be plugged in to your base is such an amazing opportunity.  I have a desire to be a missionary in different areas of Thailand as well as all over the world.   I also am so awed by God at the fact that your base verse is from Revelation.  He has been teaching me so much through that book, and just at the same time I found your base.  Also I am intrigued with your ministry, the Cleft.  I know that sounds like a unique opportunity.  I have so many things that I feel so connected with on your base.  The fact that you work in Holland, before traveling to another country is so awesome.  I love being involved in whatever community I am currently apart of.   I am really excited to be apart of God's work in Amsterdam!

7. After DTS

I have left all of my choices and opportunities up to God.  I would love to be a part of a SBS but we shall see where God leads.  My heart is completely open to where he wants to take me and teach me.  I would love to attend a University but I feel that right now that is not his plan for my life.  He has called me to his field, to love his people, to do his unfinished work.  So really, I am a completely open book. 

Very VERY confusing day.

I do not feel like writing too much just because my heart is all in a dither but... the DTS I had been planning on is now cancelled.  How saddening to my heart.  God is just such a big joker.  He likes to trick me and then remind me I am not in control.  Oh well, back to base one.  Praying about where to go.  Maybe still Kona, maybe Antarctica?  Well I sure hope not.

God, 

You are one crazy father.  I love you though.  :)

the most beautiful thing i have ever read...

mind if i share? 

by spencer hendricks.

Hollow and empty in moment each day,

Thoughts on each other apart and away.

Tears never ending fall from our face,

Remembering a time.  An instant.  A place.

Yearning to say her sweet sounding name,

To stare in her eyes.  To hold her still frame.

The simplest of things to life brought such peace,

Now all are gone with heart in a crease.

One simple wish to take all her pain, 

But trusting in God bids me refrain.

His words more than mine.  Deep to her soul,

Peace in the knowledge that He's in control.

Like ENTANGLEMENT and other mysteries unknown,

He weaves for our greats a love-work to be sewn.

Pain in this absence.  Time passes slow,

Our season apart but closer we grow.

Not on our own but surrendered to Him.

Our hearts in His hands.  Naked within.

He is our hope, our teacher in love

Monique, I will love you with love from above.

i love You.

Today was an absolutely magnificent day, to be ended with this.  It gave me tears of joy.  God speaks so perfectly to Spencer's heart that he might bless mine in ways he doesn't even understand.  

Last night,  I felt God giving me a little push to call Spencer,  so obviously I did!  It ended up we were able to spend time together today and it was a perfect day at that.  We were able to be renewed in our hard journey.  To see just how ridiculously amazing God is at orchestrating peoples hearts.  He is creating a beautiful symphony in our hearts in praise to him.  We were able to realize, that "getting back together" on a passing emotion would only CHEAT us of what God wants to do in our lives.  However it still is hard, today made it no easier...just encouraging each other was such a blessing.  God is doing something crazy in our lives that we cannot explain, and don't have much time to discuss with each other, which is the way it should be.  I am so glad that I have allowed God back into my life...in total and complete control.

There is a change between Spencer and I, however we only spent a little time together but I can feel it.  The silly little worries of life and bickering between each other are so small in comparison.  Jealousy is such an evil habit that we are working on.  And being more attentive to our friends and family, a rather LARGE ongoing downfall, is something we are investing more time in.  Not to forget God, I have never spent this much time with him.  Haha, sounds funny but it is true.  He is my best and only friend whom I can trust my life to.  I am so thankful for everything is doing.  It seems too good to be true. 

I must go to bed soon....but as soon as I get my BIBLE BACK (from spencer) I shall read Philippians 1:6

little miss fiona

Tonight I get to babysit fiona.  She is spending the night with us because jeff has to work late.  So far, we have watched ice age and now we shall lock luke in the dungeon.  She is quite ferocious.  I cannot wait to have my little Fiona, Bjorn, Leeland, and Keegan.  (All potential names)

I had such a hard time at work today.  For some reason, Mary was very demeaning and cutting.  It hurt and I had no one to turn to but God.  I read my Bible on break and it was so good.  I started to read Revelations and in the message there is an introduction to each book and Eugene talked about how John wrote Revelations and how to decipher the symbolism.  So far, it has been a totally new experience reading it then ever before.  I am throughly enjoying it.  

Also, my dad is being quite...violent and unpredictable.  Its been really hard having to deal with it "alone".  My mom is having a hard time and I only have so much strength to offer to her.  I am too weak to deal with everything all at once, but God is my source of abounding strength.  Seriously he is the only reason I get through anything.  I cannot ever explain what I am going through without talking about him, it feels really incredible.  He has blessed me with so many people who have treated me in the exact way my heart needs.  He has taught me a lot about myself, and my true heart.

My true heart is very much in love with a certain boy who I cannot wait to be reunited with someday.  And I just keep thinking, Jesus suffered SO MUCH for me,  I owe him this and my entire life.  I would rather suffer a thousand lifetimes for Jesus then live for one day in hell.   

i wish that i could talk to you

seriously.  I do.  but i am safe in the fact that you want to talk to me too.  

God knows.  He cares.  and he is taking care of us.  apart and together.

I am praying for you.  and I love you.

encouragment

He sent me a letter yesterday.  It was almost as good as hearing his voice.  But it ended all too soon.  I hope that you are reading my blogs my love.  In a way, they are like letters to you.  I shall write to you soon but only when I feel its appropriate.  I don't want to let my emotions rule me even though they are all I can feel right now.  Its so sad, this tragic battle.  I want it to go away.  I'm really feeling the pain of our consequences.

Encouragement.  So many people have been my encouragement.  So strange how people just find out from each other.

My mother- She has been so sensitive to me and my struggles even though she has so much going on in her own heart.  I do not know what I would do without her.  She is constantly reminding there is so much more for God to do in my heart before I talk to spencer.  boo.

My sister- She is always making sure I am okay, even though the answer stays the same.  But I feel that her and I are growing closer through this which makes me so happy.

Brady??- So strange but he called after Spencer visited him at work, just to make sure I was doing okay.  I felt really blessed that he would call and just listen to my woes.  

Ali-  I have not been the best friend to her since...well a while.  But God has blessed me with such a wonderfully forgiving friend.  There have been a few things that have been pulling us apart but its amazing how God can just bring two people back together again.

Elise and Stephanie- Always checking up on me and did not leave my side the first night.  It has helped so much.  Whenever I want to text or call spencer I just call them.  I don't know what I would do without them.

God-  Well obviously he is the most encouragement.  He has been revealing himself to me more then ever before.  

Today I got to talk to Chantal for a bit and she said something that was so incredible.  This is hard, and I have to suffer, but think of what JESUS suffered JUST to be with me?  I think I owe it to him.  Everyday, every time I doubt my decision because I just miss him so much, God reminds me that he loves me and when he is in control, amazing things happen.  I have not felt this way in so long,  I just hope spencer is getting the same.  I feel our hearts have always learned in the same way and that wont change.  We are such kindred spirits. 

Every night I pray for Spencer, and our trial, and our experience.  And that God would give us wisdom.

my sanity

my sanity is God.

2 Corinthians Chapter 4-

Trial and Torture.

Since God has so generously let us in on what he is DOING, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. (breaking up is so hard, but there is such a bigger picture) We refuse to wear masks and play games.  We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. (we maneuvered behind the scenes to everyone for too long)  And we don't twist God's word to suit ourselves.  Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God. (Now everything is out in the open)

If our message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way.  No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. (I am so glad we gave it serious attention) All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness.  They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing in truth they CANNOT SEE. (sometimes when you cannot see the bigger picture it is so easy to live in sin) They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.

Remember, our message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master.  All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you.  It started when God said, "light up the darkness!"  and our lives filled up with that light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness.  We carry this precious message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives.  That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us.  As it is, there's not much chance of that.  You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at.  We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, terrorized but God HASN'T LEFT OUR SIDE; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken.  What they did to Jesus they do to us -trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them he does in us-He Lives!  Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us.  While we're going through THE WORST, you're getting in on the best! (So true.  Even though this feels so terrible it means I am getting in on the best that God has planned for me)

We're NOT KEEPING THIS QUIET, not on your life!  Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it,"  we say what we believe.  And what we believe is that the One who raised up the master Jesus will certainly raise us up with you, alive.  Every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!

So we're not giving up!!!!!!!!  How could we?  Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, (so true :() on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.  These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times :). the lavish celebration prepared for us.  There's far more here then meets the eye!  The things we can see now are here today, gone tomorrow.  But the things we can't see now will last FOREVER!

Thank God there is hope.  I just love him so much and I want to tell everyone how much he loves them, and show them his love.  I cannot help it.  Its spilling out of every inch of my being.  He is flowing through me more then he ever has before, just because of listening to his still small voice.

Thank you God I love you.  And Spencer Scott Hendricks....I love you more then ever before.  I just hope God lets us be together again, someday :( But for now, enjoy this incredible gift he has given us.  Wow, I'm in love with our minds!  

I'm Bursting!

I sure hope no one reads this because it is quite embarrassing.  I'M BURSTING! Everyone in my house is driving me up the wall and I do not have my only source of peace.  However, this is forcing me to rely on God and not my love.  But I miss him too much.  This is pure torture. Now I am talking to David Day, my brother at college and I need him to come home.  I don't know what I need but I feel like I am going to burst.  

However, in these longest two days of my life, God has shown himself to me in ways that my eyes were closed to before.  He is teaching me so much through my dear spencer, even when he is away from me, and it hurts.  I have been shown how deep God's love for me is, and how deep is mine in return.  But it HURTS!  So much tragedy all around me, I just found that a friend of mine, not very close, is pregnant by her boyfriend who is dating someone else.  She is a trooper.  Laura Shap.  There are far greater tragedies going on in this world but I seem to only be able to focus on my own.  I want to stop wallowing in pity but I cannot.  I just need to hear him.  His voice is the sweetest thing to me but instead, I have to hear it through God.  AGHHH! I feel pathetic but I cannot help myself.  

God please take away this pain.  However, I don't want this pain to go away, because he might go with it.  I am holding on to my life so tight, not wanting God to be in control..  Now I need to let him be in control. FULL control, so that he might change my life.  Do wondrous things that I might never have dreamed if I was in control of my life.  God can see such a bigger picture.

In the meantime, I have conjured up about 20 books from my childhood that I am determined to read, every last one.  In hopes of taking my mind off things.  Books such as:  A lion to guard us, the Mandie series,  Nancy Drew books,  Boxcar children, Chronicles of narnia.  And such as mere christianity and irresistible revolution.  

.....thats all. I feel so alone.  and thats all.