I'm Bursting!

I sure hope no one reads this because it is quite embarrassing.  I'M BURSTING! Everyone in my house is driving me up the wall and I do not have my only source of peace.  However, this is forcing me to rely on God and not my love.  But I miss him too much.  This is pure torture. Now I am talking to David Day, my brother at college and I need him to come home.  I don't know what I need but I feel like I am going to burst.  

However, in these longest two days of my life, God has shown himself to me in ways that my eyes were closed to before.  He is teaching me so much through my dear spencer, even when he is away from me, and it hurts.  I have been shown how deep God's love for me is, and how deep is mine in return.  But it HURTS!  So much tragedy all around me, I just found that a friend of mine, not very close, is pregnant by her boyfriend who is dating someone else.  She is a trooper.  Laura Shap.  There are far greater tragedies going on in this world but I seem to only be able to focus on my own.  I want to stop wallowing in pity but I cannot.  I just need to hear him.  His voice is the sweetest thing to me but instead, I have to hear it through God.  AGHHH! I feel pathetic but I cannot help myself.  

God please take away this pain.  However, I don't want this pain to go away, because he might go with it.  I am holding on to my life so tight, not wanting God to be in control..  Now I need to let him be in control. FULL control, so that he might change my life.  Do wondrous things that I might never have dreamed if I was in control of my life.  God can see such a bigger picture.

In the meantime, I have conjured up about 20 books from my childhood that I am determined to read, every last one.  In hopes of taking my mind off things.  Books such as:  A lion to guard us, the Mandie series,  Nancy Drew books,  Boxcar children, Chronicles of narnia.  And such as mere christianity and irresistible revolution.  

.....thats all. I feel so alone.  and thats all.